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nevertellmethat
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Name: Jason
Country: United States
State: Washington
Birthday: 10/3/1981
Gender: Male
Interests: "If we were logical, the future would be bleak indeed. But we are more than logical. We are human beings, and have faith, and we have hope." --Jacques Cousteau
Expertise: Obscure pop culture references, procrastinating, being 'contrary',
Occupation: Other
Industry: Art
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
1/28/2004
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| This is the only place I can come to vent where nobody knows the situation or the people involved. I have a friend that I've been friends with for 16 years. He's pretty much the only person I still see from high school, he's also been my room mate for the last couple of years. People know us as a unit, pretty much. For a while, though, he's been pretty reserved and I've been shut out of most of what's going on in his life. I see him at home, we eat meals together sometimes, he drinks 80% of my beer, but as soon as he decided to be an atheist, it's like he decided not to believe in goodness or friends or family either. I haven't been to church in almost 3 years and I am conflicted about my spiritual life, I have been for some time--I only say that so that you know I don't judge him for his change in beliefs or anything--he just changed his attitude so much. He's done and said a lot of things I tried to call him out on, but only because I care about him and he's a high school teacher and I was worried he would get himself in trouble. Well, he got himself in trouble. Big, BIG trouble--communication with a minor for immoral purposes trouble, 100 text messages a day with a 16 year old girl, many of them sexual in nature.
At first I tried to highlight the fact that she initiated this, that he told her several times it couldn't happen, that he never actually touched her and that this was an isolated incident. I wanted to protect my friend from the way he's been demonized by the public and in the media. Here's the thing though, he tells the story in such a way that makes me sick. He says the only reason they started texting so much was because her father was abusive and she needed someone to talk to. He says he is the kind of person that always wants to rescue and protect people, he actually used the term "be her knight in shining armor." And this is how I feel: if he's going to defend himself this way, I don't want to defend him at all. I'm angry with him. He's not a knight in shining fucking armor, he was a mandated reporter that should have done something REAL to protect this girl, not transport her into fantasies to get through the nights she was scared. He shouldn't have blown me off and gotten angry every time I asked him who he was texting with, blown me off every time I told him some story he told me from school (which he'd usually be bragging about) was stupid and inappropriate and would one day get him in trouble. I TOLD HIM. And now Bryana's job, my job--both very public, she's a case manager for a non-profit and I'm the community liason, PR person for a whole organization--are possibly in danger because of this. He wants us to let him out of our lease, leaving us with a $5,000 burden over the next 10 months and I just want to tell him that it's not my problem. It makes me even more angry that after 4 or 5 years of confirmed atheism and mockery of people that have faith, he's says he's turned to Jesus but still hasn't humbled himself about this thing. He still thinks he's a knight in shining armor that took one step too close to the fire, and how damn convenient to find Jesus now. I want him to move out, I want him to pay his part, I want him to be sorry--and he's never said it once. I feel like this is harsh, I keep questioning myself for feeling this way. I haven't said anything to him yet that's unsupportive, but I think I need to let him know how I actually feel. I don't think I could truly consider myself his friend if I didn't. | | |
| "A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."
Sometimes in the course of my life, I find myself believing and thinking in a way that's been handed to me. I start to do this when I'm quite busy, and continue because I become too tired to do anything else; so it goes. Being so un-engaged is not like living at all, and when you're not living you have no life in you, no energy to pursue and grow and dream.
I'm thankful that I remember I can seek out ideas and truth, to take it in purposefully rather than allow myself to fall in a rut. I'm reading quite a lot these days, probably because I can't afford to travel much. I must confess I've become more concerned about what I have, or don't have, than ever before. That's what brought on this bout of self-reflection, the realization that I was consumed with thoughts of what I'd accomplished (or failed to), what I'd acquired.
When I was courting Bryana, I started to panic a little. I had a job working on a boat and I made a decent living, but I also lived mostly out of a suitcase and rented a little attic room that I visited every couple of months in between vacations and working abroad. I had nearly completed a mostly worthless online degree, I was 25 and about ready to practically start school over as a sophomore. I was a bit ashamed of how childish I felt next to her--she was 21 and months away from a Bachelor's degree from the best school in the state. I was out carousing in some attempt to make up for my restraint in the period of time just after high school while she, without any sort of religious influence, was saving herself for 'the one.' And even though I had tried to make a go of being a world traveler, I still never made it to more than half of the continents.
I used to meet up for coffee with a girl friend (just a friend) from high school, until her husband found out and didn't like it. I was always glad to have her perspective in times like this. She said, simply, "Don't ever be ashamed of what you've accomplished. You've been true to yourself, you've been more places already than most people will ever visit, you have friends and family that you love that love you back, and you've found a girl that you care about enough to rearrange your whole life for--some people live their entire lives and never find those things. I took her advice and I haven't looked back--I left the boat life and carousing behind, returned to school, kept courting Bryana til she told me she loved me, too.
I haven't really looked back at it all until now. These aren't regrets, I'm just wondering if I should find a better balance between who I was and who I am. We're thinking about getting married, and I hear it's normal to feel some anxiety over the loss of self. It's not just that for me, though. All the friends I used to have--where are they? Where are the people in my life? I've been closed off in this small world of our relationship, and it's most likely my fault that I don't have contact with so many people anymore. What should I expect when I often don't return phone calls or text back? I took a huge pay cut going back to school, which equates to cutting out my 5 or 6 vacation trips a year, even small ones. It means I don't go out on weekend nights, not to drink anyway. But why would I want to in this town? That's part of it, too. Longview was the easiest place to get back on track with school, it was the best job offer Bryana got, it was close to family...it was easy.
I haven't found the easy choices in life quite so satisfying. I don't mean that I need to travel to South America to study Spanish, or study international business in China to find meaning in my life--truth be told, you can't ever get away from yourself no matter how far you may go. I just want to allow myself to be as I once knew myself. At the least, I want to shed some of my newer vices--media inundation, sedentary lifestyle/work, cynicism--and nurture what I know to be my better qualities: empathy, loyalty, faith, curiosity.
Friends, hold me to it. | | |
| We're snowed in. I made it to work yesterday, but my car didn't make it home with me. It's just down the hill, waiting for everything to melt.
Bryana is the best person to spend Christmas with. Even though she starts trying to make me watch Love Actually and Elf or some other holiday movie daily starting in late October, I have to hand it to her--her enthusiasm does not wane a bit. Our house is decorated, the tree is up, Atticus has a Christmas sweater, and we're watching kids sled down our hill and drinking hot chocolate. Domestic bliss.
A couple of years ago, I'm pretty sure my parents thought I was going to be lost at sea or gunned down in an alley in some southeast asian city. Instead I live 15 miles from them with a beautiful girl that doesn't have a skeptical or cynical bone in her body and our cute little puppy, he's curled up on my lap right now.
Our annual Christmas party is Saturday night, I don't think anyone will be able to make it from out of town. I'm kind of bummed, I always look forward to seeing people.
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To Duke
Tonight
we lost a very loved family member. Duke was a truly great dog. He was
loyal, loving, and altogether as good a person as I have ever known. I
can't remember the last time I cried when a human died, or if I ever
have since a sick friend died in 2nd grade. But I'm stuck at work right
now and I just found out about Duke, and I'm pretty torn up.
He
was a good listener and never sparing with his affection, even these
last couple of years when he started to smell awful and I would have
settled for a friendly tail-wag. It sounds cheesy but he really helped
me through some hard times. I'll miss playing soccer with him. I'm
rambling on here, but I didn't want him to go un-eulogized tonight and
I'm all by myself. So there it is. Good bye, buddy. | | |
| Hello everyone in Xangaland, it's been a while hasn't it? I've been sitting at work, wasting time on the internets. I meant to study my Spanish, but I've probably spent a total of 30 minutes doing so.
I did, however learn something very interesting when I googled "the internet doesn't have what I'm looking for." (Which is a true statement, especially at this moment), and you know what I found out? Hello Kitty doesn't have a mouth because she speaks from her heart.
Word, Hello Kitty.
Check it. http://www.sanrio.com/faq/#27
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